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These Stories and questions were submitted to my website to be answered and published to help other parents who might be experiencing them same struggles. These are just a sample of the 100s that have been sent in over the last fifteen years. I hope they are helpful for you!
Is my daughter bi-polar or a normal almost-teen?
by Robin
(Waipahu, HI, USA)
Question
I am a recently divorced and a single parent to an almost 13-year-old daughter.
Since birth, she has been extremely emotional, strong-willed and prone to
tantrums. As she's gotten older and matured emotionally in some ways, she still
flies into instant rages and tantrums when she's upset. She screams, slams
doors, pushes me, and stomps. She makes threatening postures and has shoved me.
She persists and won't easily calm down. I try my best to keep my composure,
and try to discuss what's going on with her later when she's calm. However,
this tactic isn't working, as she is very reluctant to talk about it and just
brushes it off. A short time after a screaming rage, she is smiling again and
pleasant. I just don't know what's going on. I've gone with her for therapy
several times, but now she's refusing to go back.
This behavior is typically a weekly occurrence. I love her very much and want
to do what's best for her. Her biological parents were crystal meth users, and
I wonder if the drugs are making her prone to this behavior. The mother was
using during her first trimester. Or have my husband and myself been too
indulgent and she's just plain spoiled? How do you tell the difference between
bi-polar and the normal growing pains of an adolescent coping with changes our
family?
I very much appreciate any insights you could offer.
Answer:
Hi Robin
Firstly, diagnosing bipolar disorder is a complex process. A medical professional
need sto make this diagnosis and it is based on your child meeting the
demonstrated symptoms of mania or mania and depression. The behaviors you are
describing may or may not be related to a mood disorder.
Children who are born addicted to drugs or with systems compromised by drugs,
can have an array of symptoms which affect executive functioning, mood
regulation, impulsiveness, attention motor skills etc.
On the other hand, yes, you may be making poor parenting choices that are
contributing to her behavior. Kids need to be held accountable for what they
do, and their needs to be natural and logical consequences in place to help
teach them how to grow into responsible kind adults. However, I am not certain
that this is the case. I know parents usually blame themselves for everything
that goes wrong and it isn't really helpful unless it helps to create a clear
path of better choices.
I can't really tell from the information what might be causing the issues,
however, they do sound significant enough to warrant help. I think I would keep
trying therapists until you find one she will agree to see.
Good luck to you!
Sincerely
Kristen McClure
Comments for Is my daughter bi-polar or a normal
almost-teen?
Average Rating
May 04, 2011
Rating
bi-polar/spoiled child
by: Carol
My daughter was 9 before she was given the proper medication to HELP her
control her mood swings.
(medication alone is never the answer)
My daughter is also adopted. I waited years for her and went through hell and
back to get her. My love for her is unconditional in a way that people who haven’t
adopted will never understand.....so I get it...I really do.
I question myself daily...is she Bi-polar...is it something else? Was I too
weak a parent? Did my fear of losing her or her not loving me as 'mom'
cause me to spoil her? Have I gone out and fought to adopt this child,
given up my career, my friends, my entire way of life to save this child
only to bring her home and ruin her?
What I will tell you is this, 12 years into this and I STILL am not
convinced I wasn't somehow to blame, but I have accepted that no matter how
we got where we are, I will do whatever I need in order to help my
daughter.
After taking her to about 1200 different doctors one finally said to me
'write down all the reasons you think something is wrong with her'. The
following is the top 5 reasons and what convinced me that maybe the doctors
were right...my child is Bi-polar:
1.Total intolerance for anyone or anything that goes against what she wants
at that moment.
(when she is annoyed a 2 year old is treated the exact same way she would
treat a 12 year old or an adult. She CAN'T differentiate)
2. Angry outbursts that last for 2 or more hours. Punching, body slams,
cursing, throwing things and self harm.
3. Anxiety that led to OCD type behaviors. (was convinced she HAD to get
rid of all the baby birds near our home...climbed on the roof to do
so)
4. Nightmares that prevented her from sleeping for more than an hour at a
time. (This went on for SIX YEARS)
5. Once fell on the floor in a fit of laughter that lasted so long and was
so uncontrollable, she begged her father to help her breath. Then jumped up
and punched me in the face.
I hope in some small way this might help you find the answers you're
looking for. I wish you peace as you go through this with your child. this
and
Question
SIBLINGS
My 17 year old is bipolar. His 14 year old brother is tired
of him getting angry at him for no reason so he will no longer speak to him. My
17 year old is very hurt by the way his brother feels about him. They have not
spoken in 2 months.
Answer
Hi Kim
This situation with siblings is very common when one is a special needs child.
As difficult as it may be for the 14 year old to understand, your 17 year old
has as illness that makes it more difficult for him to manage his emotions.
Getting angry for seemingly no reason is part of the illness. I would sit down
with them and tell them you want for them to speak if they are living in the
house with one another. They will have to work out there own issues but you can
still set rules and guidelines about whats acceptable in your home.
If siblings don't understand the reality of the illness, it can be more
difficult for them to tolerate. Sometimes it helps to get siblings their own
therapist, so they can have attention to their feelings and concerns. I will
often do a session with a sibling just to explain the illness, and then refer
them on to someone who can be there just for them.
Question
MY ALMOST 15 YEAR OLD TEEN BOY
by Michele
(Ga)
Hello. My son has had mood issues since he was little. He
has been diagnosed with ADHD, PDD, and bi-polar. His twin brother has had more
severe issues than that! I have been struggling to find the right medicine
cocktail to help him along with how to deal with him when he gets upset at me.
He tends to curse and will even raise his hand to me. I don't know what to do!
I am at my wits end! I used to take him to a therapist but he would never talk
to them. He always blames his brother for everything. Even though his brother
has more issues than he does, he still has to own up to his own actions. He is
fine and happy one minute than if he doesn't get what he wants, he will react
in a bad way like a toddler. My family don't think I punish him enough & I
just don't know how to handle my parenting anymore.
HELP!
Answer
Hi Michele.
I don't know exactly how I can help but I can tell you a few things they may
provide you some guidance.
Families very often presume to know what you should do to make everything
right. I have a theory that people believe that all kids would be fine if you
just parented them right because it gives them a sense of control. Please
remember that this is not your fault!
No one wants to believe that they could have a special needs child that can
turn their life upside down. In fact, people like their lives to be as
predictable and as in control as possible. It's easier for others to just
believe that your child is like that because you are a bad parent. Don't by
into this. please.
Loved ones often make foolish suggestions and make you feel worse rather than
giving you the love and support you need.
I suspect that there isn't an easy answer to any of the questions you have.
However, I think that if you find a therapist who can related to your child on
their level, talk with him and engage him around the things that are important
to him, than you will be in better shape.
No one wants to go to a therapist they don't feel comfortable with, and often
we ask teens to do that.
Finally, do the best you can do to be a good parent. Stop blaming yourself for
your child's special needs. Look at what you are doing that works and do more
of it. Look at what you are doing that doesn't work and do less of it. Focus on
your child's strengths.
Sincerely
Kristen McClure
BROKEN FAMILY
by NY
(Charlotte, NC)
Question
My 18 y/o son, John, suffers with bipolar disorder, mood
disorder, PDD-NOS, high level autism, possible gender identity issues, and
more. He extremely impulsive, easily fixates, constantly lies, steals from me,
even broke into the house to steal my ATM card out of my purse. He is currently
an in-patient at Presbys Adolescent Behavior Health Unit for time in 2 years.
He is on medication which he doesn't take unless I remind him. I've been
insistent that I would no longer allow him to live at home which has devastated
him. He has been to counseling/therapy but because he doesn't think he's sick
he won't talk, won't follow through with goal setting. I have been resentful,
unsympathetic and ignorant but want so much to change my ways.
I now understand he can't change so now I believe it's up to me. I love him
more than my life and want so much to learn how to successfully live with him.
He doesn't understand his illness nor does he believe there is anything wrong
with him. I think he needs to understand what's happening to him before he can
move forward. He's a drop out, 9th grade was the last full year he passed.
Attended Dore Academy for 6 years & Manus for 1 but then wanted to go to
North Meck with his friends. That's when it all fell apart and I've failed him
ever since. I want to make this right before it's too late. And I am hoping
that it isn't too late already. I need help to fix my broken family.
Nancy
Answer
Hi Nancy
I appreciate you sharing your story with us. I would recommend that you attend
the parent run support group. You can send me an email to ask about this.
It's common when children are sick with mental health issues for parents to have
a difficult time understanding their abilities and limitations. It isn't
helpful in anyway to feel guilty about the past, its only helpful to change how
you respond in the future. Learning to love and accept your child for who he is
an important step
Sincerely
Kristen McClure
OUT OF CONTROL
by Tina
(AZ)
Question
This article is all well and good, but how do I teach my
bipolar teen, who is about to turn 18 that her mouth is going to get her into
trouble. She has no filter and says whatever she wants without any remorse. She
is downright mean. When I try to show her that what she says is hurtful, she
says I am ganging up on her. When I repay her nasty words with a nasty response
to her, I am being mean. She does not see or care that she if verbally abusing
everyone around her.
I am her parent and I am not allowed to set limits with her. When I do, I draw
criticism and no support from my family or anyone else. She has no
accountability and has not been required to take responsibility for her
behavior.
I was told to file incorrigible child charges against her. But then, I'm told
that I am holding her back. If she is charged as an adult for something, her
future will be ruined. Again, how is that my fault? Where is her
accountability? If you break the law; you go to jail. Consequences.....does she
have any or does her bipolar disorder excuse her from them?
Help!
Answer
Hi Tina. I am going to post your article online and see if other parents might offer you some advice. I know how difficult it must be, and I am truly sorry that you are not finding support and help from your community. Hopefully some parents will respond and provide you with some feedback or successful strategies they have tried.
Comments for Out of control
Rating
Walked on and heartbroken
by: Anonymous
I, too, am trying to cope with my teenage daughter who has become verbally
abusive to her immediate family. She has been staying with her Grandmother
for the last four months because I could no longer be an effective mother
to my three younger children when she was constantly walking all over me.
No discipline had any affect, she made it a point to only act out even
worse when we attempted to discipline her. She has broken my heart, and I
want so desperately to find a way to get her the help she so desperately
needs. At this point, she is refusing to see the therapist. I believe that
she is bipolar, but now have to determine how to get her to a psychiatrist
for an assessment.
It is difficult for anyone on the outside of our inner circle to see that
she could act this way. Her Grandmother is slowly seeing what I have been
trying to tell her, but I can guarantee you that anger is much different
when it is directed at YOU, and for WHAT?! It is all so maddening and heart
wrenching. Best of luck to you in your journey. You certainly are not
alone.
H.S. SENIOR DAUGHTER WITH A NEEDY, DIFFICULT PERSONALITY. MEDICATION SUGGESTIONS?
by Tracy
(Wisconsin)
Question
Hi,
My husband and I have a daughter who is almost 18 and a senior in high school.
She has depression, OCD, and her psychiatrist thinks she may be bipolar as well.
She is currently taking 40 mg. Prozac and 50 mg. Seroquel and she can still be
extremely moody, upset, and unpredictable. She has had a boyfriend consistently
since she's been in ninth grade. She always seems to have issues with wanting
them with her . The boys she chooses are the kindest, sweetest guys ever and
she seems to take advantage of their kindness. Most of them have followed whatever
she's wanted and because she's so beautiful I think they stick around. However,
as parents it kills us to see her treat them with so little thought. Some days
she lays in bed and expects them to sit with her. She can be fun to be around
at times, but others she is is moody and demanding. This senior year of high
school has been extremely difficult for her and us. One boyfriend broke up with
her and it left her feeling suicidal, upset, and very agitated. She would rage
at us at times and then be crying the next. It has been awful. As parents we
feel like failures and struggle with how our friends view our daughter; many
don't like her because of her abrasiveness. This fall she leaves for college
and we have serious concerns about her ability to live independently with
another roommate. She is a bright, very, very creative, beautiful girl with a
personality that would frighten most people. Do you have any other medication
suggestions? She is currently seeing a therapist on a weekly basis, but we feel
the medication needs adjusting.
Comments for H.S. Senior daughter with a needy,
difficult personality. Medication suggestions?
Not being a psychiatrist medication issue are not my forte. However, There
are basic protocols that are followed for specific diagnoses and OCD,
although you don't reference it often is your description of your daughter
response to a higher than average dose of antidepressants. Usually, double
the normal dose that is prescribed for depression. But, if bipolar is a
possibility then the Doc may be proceeding with extreme caution because
starting low and going slow with the antidepressants is usually the
rule.
It's hard with teens to tease out behavioral instability from teenage
instability, as so many of us with teens know emotional lability is so
typical for teenagers. Adolescence is fraught with so much anxiety for
parents and teens. I hope she has improved with time and found her
stride.
Kristen
Mediation Refusal
Question
I am the mother of an almost 14-year-old son who has just been diagnosed with bipolar. We are seeing a counselor who has a doctorate in psychiatry, and pharmacology. He has asked us to try medication for our son. But...our son REFUSES to take it. I am desperate to help him! We have tried everything, I don't know what to do. I don't want to hospitalize him, and my husband says he won't do that. I need advice on how to get him to try the med. I am truly scared for his future if he won't get help. His friend in 3rd grade had a mother who committed suicide and was bipolar. I know that is on his mind. Any suggestions?
Medication refusal
by: Kristen
Unfortunately, we know that medications are the most effective ways to help
with bipolar. Is he open to trying other treatments? Will he participate in
other aspects of treatment plans such as working on regulating his
schedule? I wonder why your son won't take his medication?
I think I would start by exploring all the reasons he is opposed to it.
Perhaps empathizing and validating his concerns.
It may be because he is afraid of taking medications, mistrustful of the
doctor, or confused about his illness. Sometimes learning about what is at
the root of medication refusal can make all of the difference in helping to
change his mind. I would spend time really getting to understand the source
of his hesitation.
Sincerely, Kristen McClure
INVOLVING LAW ENFORCEMENT WITH BIPOLAR TEEN
Question
Hi, my name is Elizabeth and we have a teen son with
bipolar. I thought my husband was bipolar as well, but he now denies this. His
mood swings grow worse and worse over time. My son is actually doing a little better
and has been on Abilify for approximately one month. We have called 911 several
times in the past, and this is working against us.
The police who come tend to be very uninformed about bipolar and feel the need
to lecture me (more so than husband) about how my son is a delinquent in need
of DJJ more than anything else. They bring up how we have called in the past,
how son has run away, smoke marijuana, and is now on probation--all
"proof" that he should be in a detention center.
My most troubling issue is that they have said more than once that is ok, even
desirable, to hit our son to "teach him who is boss." The officer who
came out most recently actually said to both my son and husband that he has
punched his own teens in the face for not obeying!
I do not think any of this is good for my family.
Answer
Dear Elizabeth:
I am very sorry about your experiences with law enforcement. Punching a child
in the face is considered child abuse, and/ or assault. I'm not surprised to
hear police officers come uniformed.
Police are not mental health professionals and therefore there advice about
specific techniques is out of the realm of their area of expertise.
This is similar to a teacher telling you your child should not be on the
medicine they are on. A teacher is not a psychiatrist and therefore that advice
is not helpful because they are not an expert.
I think perhaps we have spoke on the phone and you know of my feelings
regarding treating a child who is mentally ill as if they are a criminal.
Unfortunately this is a common occurrence.
I tell my parents that I work with in some instances, when they are unsafe, to
call the police, however, I speak to the police and tell them what to do to
calm the family and child down.
I have in the early years of my practice had to call the police to my office
when children became violent, and essentially it worked the same way. There
presence, should provide a sense of safety and for you and the child. It is
often enough to shake the child up enough to shift out of their state.
I am sorry you have had this experience
Sincerely
Kristen McClure
BIPOLAR CHILD AND LIFE OF MISERY AND SHAME INTO ADULTHOD
by Anonymous
Well I'm 34 now never shared this with anyone in the world.
I'm a classic extreme case of bipolar. I'm sharing my story to help other
people and families understand. I always had something wrong with me at an
early age. I always felt ashamed of myself always. Bipolar is like the weather
extreme highs and lows an act of nature that's what bipolar is in extreme
cases. s
Sorry for boring you but people need to know how bad it feels. I have never had
many friends or family all my life from this disease i freak-out and feel ashamed
how I have hurt everyone around me and myself. Well here's my story and all the
truth and I'm a lost cause now but hope I can help someone, and professionals
understand.
At an early age I was an angry child unbearable child to anyone around me. I
remember my first day going to school I kicked the principal and destroyed his
desk paperwork I don't know why I did it to this day.
I remember that day but not much in my childhood. I always wet my bed till 14
years old and got punished for it I felt bad enough wetting bed and wasn't my
fault. I have learning problems to my parents tried to help me. but no matter
how hard I tried till this day; I still write like a 5yr old to this day no
matter how hard I try.
I can’t even roll a smoke like a normal person does no matter how hard I try.
no one could tell me what to do as well not even the queen lol. don't know why I
acted this way but it's a disease. I always hated school and never went from an
early age from 7 years old police would come take me to school and i would tell
them where to go. with bipolar in extreme cases no one can tell you what to do.
my parents tried their best to help me but with extreme bipolar and sent me to
shrinks but I told them where to go and smashed there office up don't know why I
did it. extreme bipolar people hate authority and rebel. extreme cases of
bipolar kids feel ashamed most of time like I do. at age 8 I got sent to children's
home my mum said I'm going to a restaurant. got there I broke every window and
runaway and they wouldn't take me. feel so bad for my parents why I acted this
way can't explain it. it's a disease that controls you. a few months later i
got send back there again and this time they took me in, I was alone and
isolated there still with all extreme kids with family problems. Stayed there
for a 6 months and one could control me or my moods. I felt alone and ashamed
of myself I was only 8 . I wouldn't even go to school there told them where to
go and only went when I felt like it.
People could lock me up for hours and hours didn't worry me. I was a sad lonely
boy with feelings of shame and anger. never made many friends my whole life as
well, back to my shameful story. sp went back home when I was 9 and didn't last
long I wouldn't go to school not unless I wanted to no one could make me.
So, I got send to my dad's bailed in back of car from school at lunchtime from
my school l friends and said putting me in a naughty boys home. I wasn't a bad
kid just was lost and lonely and confused and can't explain why i was so angry
bitter to my family and world. I got send to a yuppie boarding school as a
punishment no one could handle me. so was stuck there for a year and a bit until
kicked out.
A bipolar kid like I was felt ashamed and lost and useless. tried to fit in but
always was on another planet. Sorry for boring you this is a genuine story and
hope helps somebody feeling what I feel. so, after that school got sent home to
my mums. only lasted 6 months I would go to school if I didn't want to again.
so I got put in hospital for problem kids. I would never talk to the shrinks
just tell the to fuck off. wouldn't go to school there either and got locked up
in a time out room I would sit there all-day and night didn't worry me and used
every word under sun. I was only a kid and was to much for anyone in where
naughty kids go.
Runway and was so angry and just laughed when was in trouble. my actions
weren't me but a disease I couldn't help how I behaved. an extreme case of
bipolar is feeling of being alone and a loner who ashamed even to walk don
road. I pushed everyone away who loved me. from there I went back home and
wouldn't got to school my mum would give me 5 backs a day to go I wouldn't go
just went and played video games was always alone and sad and lonely. got send
to a family home after all my bullshit and anger. didn't fit in there either
but lasted 3 years and went to school most days. I was a sad lonely boy who pushed
away the world and scared of the world.
I'm 34 now lived with this way too long and beyond help now. bipolar is rare in
a kid and an extreme case won't let people help just will be angry sad and runaway.
people tried to help went though the system and wouldn't let anyone in. a
bipolar kid has extreme moods won't let anyone tell you what to do if you don't
want to do it. hurt family and friends. have trouble learning and be retarded
in like writing and learning and doing things will try to them no matter what
you fail at most things.
Ashamed sad and sorry are feelings extreme kids have.
I'm 34 trying to get help but getting cut off everywhere I try. sad but true I
want help but beyond that i see. bipolar is a disease that cripples’ people and
we can't ask for help we are ashamed and guilty all the time. bipolar kids have
no ambitions goals if untreated into adulthood. bipolar in kids is deadly and
destructive and not their fault at all.
You have highs and lows but never fit in and turn to alcohol and drugs to ease
the pain its medication. bipolar kids are loners in extreme cases and scared of
the world. the saddest thing for me i have tried to seek help and got kicked in
guts and asked for help from a family member who researches stuff like this and
brushes me off and says have got social anxiety disorder so sad .
Bipolar kids have many addictions and obsessive disorders and alcohol problems
and sex problems like addicted to hookers for company not sex . ecstasy really
helped me as a drug made me live again but can't get no more. I'm a lost cause
but extreme bipolar kids hide their illness from everybody their world of
misery.
I could write a book how bad this disease is shame. I want help but can't get
it so sharing my story on how it is. 34 untreated kill you and your family and
the pain and sadness we feel is a death sentence for life. Well I explained my
extreme bipolar I know I'm not the only one but this an extreme case of shame.
Answer
Dear anonymous.
This is a tragic story. I can't thank you enough, though for sharing this with
us, as I for one learned something that will certainly be beneficial to the
people I help. I am quite sure that it took an incredible amount of courage for
you to write this, and to share it was a selfless and compassionate act.
The things that happened were not your fault, and you did not get the help you
need, probably because 20 years ago no one understood how to help you. You
should not have been treated as a criminal when you had a mental illness, and I
feel so much remorse and sadness and anger at reading your story that it will
serve as a motivation to continue to do the work that I do with a renewed
commitment.
I want to tell you that you are not beyond help. There are many, many things
that can be done to improve the quality of your life. If you want to contact me
directly, here; kristmcclur@aol.com I am happy to find you some help.
Comments for Bipolar child and life of misery and shame
into adulthood
Average Rating
Rating
I THINK MY SON MAY BE BIPOLAR
by Janet
(Alabama)
My son is 16 years old and over the last 6 months he has
changed drastically. He has what I call "meltdowns". He goes
completely "insane", threatens the family, destroys property, uses
abusive and derogatory language, and is very violent. He was diagnosed with
ADHD as a small child, but he didn't have trouble focusing---just
hyperactivity.
In 5th grade, he said he could control it himself. We were having terrible
problems with the "rebounding" effects of him coming off Ritilan at
the end of the day, so we let him stop taking it---and he hasn't taken it
since.
He did great in school and everything seemed to be going better until last
year. Then, he started acting strange. He started hanging out with different
friends, experimenting with alcohol and drugs and becoming very difficult to
handle. The doctor gave him zoloft and it didn't work at all, then cybalta, but
it's like he just got worse.
He insists that we buy him things that we can't afford and when we try to
explain that what he is asking for is unrealistic, he gets violent. We bought
him a beautiful car for his birthday and he said it wasn't good enough and went
crazy and obsessed about how much he hated it. We finally gave it to our older
son---who loves it.
He wants me to buy him new clothes everyday and yells that I am going to hell
for being selfish if I don't buy them. He says he is bored all the time and
wants to go hang out with his friends so he won't be miserable. If I say no, he
goes crazy and pitches a fit---I have had to call the police on him twice,
now.
He won't sleep at night and I can't get him to wake up in the morning. He told
me that he sneaks out of the house and smokes pot after his
"meltdowns" because it is the only thing that will calm him down. He
says he hates his life and wants to kill himself.
Currently he is taking Resperidone, but it isn't helping, either. They have
finally decided to do testing for bipolar disorder. We start next week. He
doesn't seem as depressed as he does violent and manic. Can this really be Bipolar
Disorder?
By the way, my ex-husband was diagnosed with a "mood disorder" after
we divorced---but I don't have any specifics.
Certainly some of the symptoms you are describing are consistent with a mood disorder,
however, if your son is using drugs, it may be that those are contributing or
causing his difficulty. It’s nearly impossible to make a diagnosis when someone
is using substances. It is important that he gets a full evaluation by a
qualified professional.
Answer
Hi Janet
Requesting you buy him expensive things could certainly be a form of mission
moding behavior which we see often in kids when they are manic. The again it’s
difficult to tell because of the substance abuse.
I am so sorry about the difficulty you are having with your son. I know it can
be heartbreaking to see your child transformed in such a terrible way. It is
important for you to know there is a strong genetic component to bipolar
disorder, and mood disorder is often bipolar disorder.
I would also suggest that you get him a full medical exam, as a thyroid
condition can often be underlying some mood issues. I hope you are able to get
the help you deserve, and your son can grow up to be a successful and
productive member of society!
Sincerely,
Kristen McClure
Comments for I think my son may be bipolar
Average Rating
Sep 22, 2011
Rating
I know how you feel
by: Belinda
My son has been struggling with depression and mood disorders since middle
school and it is getting worse despite many doctor appts and different
medications. It really seems like it started in school when he began to be
bullied in middle school. He has been on/off medication because we think he
is better and then BOOM, here it comes again. He started hanging around one
friend only and we became suspicious of drugs and we were right. Thank God
we caught it early and he is now clean be still has depressive disorders.
I'm at a loss of what to do for him. I feel bad like its my fault this
happened. I pray that anyone who has a child in distress gets the help they
need. I will continue to find a way to help my son so he can live a
productive life and for once know happiness.
May 13, 2011
Rating
please help...
by: Anonymous
i think my 16 yr old son may be bipolar. he has explosive anger,and usually
directs it at me. he is failing in school,lacks motivation,he could be very
scary when angered. he usually stays in his room. he hangs out with kids
that are known to get high.but then again,the following day he could be the
nicest person. i already asked him to go to a therapist but he got very
defiant and said he`s not going. when he was young, he was the sweetest
little boy-i know that boy is some where deep inside of him. please,some
one out there, any advice ? i heard a lot of horror stories about putting
the kid`s on bipolar medication. any help would be appreciated....
Oct 01, 2009
Rating
Thanks for the response
by: Janet
Just to be clearer, I wanted to let you know that the pot smoking a few
times over the summer (or so he told me).
Please note, I have been drug testing him at home, and all the tests are
negative. He plays sports in school and gets tested there as well. All tests
have been negative for drugs---but the crazy behavior still
continues.
He has also done weird things like burn himself on his arms because he is
"bored".
I THINK MY CHILD HAS A BIPOLAR DISORDER
by Christy Baron
(Canada)
My daughter Wendy is 13. She has been diagnosed with oppositional defiance behavior, add and anxiety. Over the last 2 months she is getting worse. She was in a therapeutic home since Jan. and came home in August. She is having eating binges, sleep disturbances, sleeping with all the lights on and horrible rages mostly surrounding going to school. She is refusing to go to school again. She often has stomach aches etc for reasons not to go to school. She was placed in a home due to not going to school and her anxiety around this. She was doing well in the home but since she has come home things are rapidly going downhill. She is seeing a psychiatrist on Feb 3 and I am counting the minutes. The changes are eating, sleeping and the constant rages every day. Also, she will have sudden episodes of craziness like jumping on the bed and getting really silly like 3-year-old and making noises. I feel with the onset of these additional symptoms; bipolar disorder needs to be a consideration in the help she is to receive. We are going to family counseling, but she doesn't want to go and it is not helping. I feel like I am losing my mind. What do you think of this any help is appreciated
Answer
I think it is appropriate for you to consider bipolar disorder as a possible
diagnosis for her behavior. Your description of silly behavior is not quite
clear. You will need to talk to the professional you are seeing about that
specifically paying careful note to any other signs of mania: (ie grandiose behavior,
increase risk taking and energy level, decrease need for sleep). The more
carefully and thoroughly you describe the behavior the easier it will be for
your child to be properly diagnosed.
Be sure to carefully outline your child’s behavior for the professional that is
evaluating your child . It also may be helpful for you to fill out the form
here http://www.bpchildresearch.org/cbq/index.html
I wish you luck in finding the best help for your Wendy!
Sincerely
Kristen
Comments for I think my child has a bipolar disorder
Average Rating
Rating
Really sad!
by: Samuel Depp
Feeling bad for the child! It's not easy for a girl of just 13 to handle
bipolar disorder; really a brave one. Thanks for sharing the article. I
think your baby girl needs more attention and care. You shouldn't make her
feel alone anytime moreover you need to spend lots of time with her. A
father is the closest person to his daughter and this bonding should be
there from the early childhood which will ultimately help your baby less
stressful. Every parent should know about the Importance
of father-baby bonding. Thank you.
Dec 01, 2012
Rating
Acting like a 3yr old
by: Dan Martin
My daughter is bipolar, ADHD and has all the symptoms you just described.
She absolutely acts silly and out of control sometimes. It's part of her
mania.
HOW MUCH SHOULD WE BE ASKING OF AN 18 YEAR OLD
by Tanya
(Arkansas )
We have an 18-year-old daughter who just graduated high
school a few weeks ago. She has suffered from depression since middle school
but has also hinted since then it was more than just depression. She is very
smart and was in the gifted program until high school. Which is when her
behavior really started to get out of hand. She did graduate but it was like
pulling teeth to make that happen. 1 week before graduation we had to take her
to inpatient treatment for suicidal threats and abusing drugs. Mostly Xanax
which she does not have a prescription for and cocaine. She also smokes
marijuana. She totaled her car while high on Xanax a few days before we took
her. She spent a week there and come home clear headed, optimistic and on
medication for bipolar disorder. She has been home 3 weeks. We have had many
disagreements about the rules for her to live here. We feel she needs to be
home at a certain time, let us know where she is and who she is hanging out
with, also absolutely no drug use at all.
She feels she should be able to come and go as she pleases because she is
legally an adult and that she should be able to use drugs if she chooses. She
was also going to be given another car this time from her grandmother. She came
home yesterday saying she was packing a bag and leaving. We were arguing
because she hadn't been home in 2 nights and when she was here she slept the
entire time. She was clearly high on something and not marijuana. She also had
2 guys with her we had never might before. We took the car from her and told
her she can't have it or live here if she was not going to do what is expected
of her. She left on foot with the 2 guys and says she is not coming back unless
we give her the car back and let her do whatever she wants to do.
My question is the article almost makes it sound like we should just put up
with her bad behavior and poor choices. I felt it did have helpful information
too. So is asking your 18-year-old, that all of this has just happened, to
check in with us, to have a curfew and not do drugs to live with us, have us
support her and help her go to college like she wants to much to ask of her?? I
don't understand what limits we are supposed to be set if we aren't supposed to
expect that much out of them.
Comments for How much should we be asking of an 18 year
old
Average Rating
Jul 29, 2018
Rating
by: Kristen
Hi Tanya
Your questions are really great, so thank you for asking them.
Your rules and limits are reasonable, and the structure would be absolutely
essential to your 18-year-old.
You ask...
"So is asking your 18-year-old, that all of this has just happened, to
check in with us, to have a curfew and not do drugs to live with us, have
us support her and help her go to college like she wants too much to ask of
her??"
No. Not. Part of the difficulty here is that you are dealing with a child
who has substance abuse issues and mental health issues so it is more complicated.
An eighteen-year-old is not an adult. And one with bipolar disorder and
substance abuse issues has even more challenges than your everyday 18 year
old. She does not know what’s best for her, you do. My advice to you would be
to keep firm limits about curfew and check in and do not budge on them.
Even if she is angry and defiant. It will be challenging to continuously
stay calm and consistent but it's your only choice.
I am not sure which article you read, but the idea behind being flexible with
your bipolar teen is that you understand and are compassionate for the
struggles that face your child when they have mood swings and meet them where
they are at instead of applying the same discipline that you would to a
child that does not have bipolar disorder. The things that they can't
handle you don't expect them to handle and you provide more support and
encouragement to them then they might be expected to need at the age they
are at. However, you must stay calm and in control. Being the authority and
the adult is always important.
So, for example, although you might expect your 18-year-old daughter to
take a full course load at college and work. You are open to the fact that
because of her bipolar disorder your daughter might need to take fewer classes
or work less than an 18-year-old who didn't have bipolar disorder. It may
be that she can't handle the responsibility of a car or can't live on
campus.
When you add substance abuse into the mix of a bipolar teen, consistency, and
consequences around drug use and curfew need to tighten up.
I hope that clears things up!
BIPOLAR TEEN AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE
My 16 year old, bipolar son verbally abuses me. I am having
difficulty communicating with him because he will not listen to what I have to
say. He name calls, uses profanity towards me and will physically push or grab
me if I try to give consequences(ie. take his computer away). He is vindictive
and threatens me. I have even called the police. I don't know the best way to
handle this. He doesn't see his behavior! We have been in therapy for years and
he is on Depakote. He is also in a substance abuse program. Please help!
Thank you,
Caryn
Hi Caryn
Its difficulty for me to know exactly what’s happening, but it is possible
that your child is not stable. Are these behaviors bound to a mood state? Many
children only behave aggressively when they are manic? DO you understand the
signs and symptoms of his mania and depression? Is he able to identify his mood
states? Is he actively using? All these issues seem relevant.It seems like you
also may need to work with your therapist to have a clear safety plan. It is
never okay to feel threatened or to put up with that kind of behavior, and if
necessary you need to look to the outside for help when it becomes dangerous.
Good Luck
Kristen McClure
Comments for Bipolar Teen and Emotional Abuse
Average Rating
Feb 22, 2016
Rating
Too much emotional abuse
by: Anonymous
I am so glad I found this site and pray that the people who have commented
find me as well. My 13 year old daughter has had bipolar disorder with
rapid cycling since she was 2. I have always been her target of any and
every type of abuse you could imagine. She tells me she wants me to die,
doesn't respect me, I could go on and on. We go to therapy every week, she
is medicated, I am so tired of the battle everyday. I love my daughter with
all of my heart but it's getting so difficult to be around her. I am at a
loss and so his her therapist. I'm not a perfect parent and I have to deal
with my own depression. It's hard not to believe some of the horrific
things she says when u hear them on a daily basis. Any suggestions would be
greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Jul 17, 2013
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Verbal abuse too much
by: Anonymous
I'm sad that others are going through situations similar to my own. My
daughter is a teen that has been treated for child onset bipolar since 3. I
use to be so much better at coping, researching skills to cope, & just connecting.
My 13 year old son has only in the past few years become condescending too.
Their Daddy died about 5 yr back & he use to do this when we were first
married. It's dehumanizing to be told you should die & the world will
be better off repeatedly. If I was in a primary grade on a school bus - it
might hurt my feelings. Im told I have no friends & ppl just pity me.
They smirk or laugh if I show reaction. This breaks my heart &
immobilizes will. I have a 6 year old I try to focus on, redirect from negative
- go to the park. I'm limiting my Internet usage bc of my emotional state,
way too sensitive & know I'm drawing inward. It helps to know I'm not
alone in my battles. After watching their Dad pass, it's hard to get angry.
I've encountered a lot of cruelty & trying not to feel as a helpless
victim. We are getting counseling. I'm not sure why (maybe its my
perception) it seems everybody blames me as though it's a parenting or
personality issue. I have never taken any satisfaction or felt power over
making anyone feel bad so I will never understand. Is there any coping
skills that seem effective in making the behavior stop? Or hiding successfully
how it hurts so it can't be a tool for them to leverage power for when they
are feeling bad? It has hit my health & my digestion system .. Like, it
kills me inside already & literally it's killing me. I'm not getting
online much but if you have any insight, I will read- even though I don't
respond
Feb 06, 2012
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Emotionally and Verbally Abused too
by: Anonymous
I really feel for you as I have this problem with my 16 year old son. I
feel like I'm in a bad and abusive marriage and there is no escape. I am
trying to take the advice of Kristen and get some therapy myself. Deep down
I know I am doing the very best I can, and I am sure you are as well. I
KNOW the feelings of futility and hopelessness all to well, and if it's
something you can do to help yourself, it will only add positively to your
specific situation. Bless you as you go through the tunnels...may there be
light on the other side!
Feb 25, 2010
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Abusive Behavior
by: Anonymous
Hi, I am so sorry to hear about your situation, but I completely understand
your fears. A few years ago, my daughter tried to stab me with a pair of scissors.
She also will, hit, kick, or push me while calling me abusive names. We
have been through so many medications. Currently, she takes, risperidone, clonazepam,
and Depakote and has been acting the best she has in years. We are still
currently adjusting the Depakote until her blood work shows 80-120 so sometimes,
I still get the abusive language & name calling, but I am no longer
scared of her. One thing that has been helpful is getting involved in
Church. We found a contemporary Church that has a Youth Rock Band. She has
never wanted to go & would never go, but after two suicide attempts, I
begged her to just try this new church & she likes it. Sometimes she doesn't
want to get up still & we fight with her about it, but she says later
that she is glad she went because she feels better after she goes. I really
hope everything gets better for you & I am beginning to understand that
treatment has to change as the bipolar disorder changes. She has also been
diagnosed with PTSD from having an abusive biological father who is an
alcoholic (and we believe is bipolar too), anxiety, and depression. Try not
to take anything personally and if you are scared, take him to a hospital.
I had to tell a social worker that I was scared of my daughter & I was
embarrassed about it. However, I know if she would have really hurt me, she
would have never forgiven herself. She tells me that she doesn't even think
about what she is doing or saying sometimes and later cries about how
horrible she treats me. Please do not hesitate to take him to the hospital
if you think he is going to try to hurt you or himself. He will eventually
thank you for it when he is better. Take Care.
MY DAUGHTER IS 18 NOW
by D
(New York )
My daughter is 18 now and I always had difficulties with her
attitude and behavior towards me. My husband and I separated when she was 4. I
moved back to my hometown for family support. My ex-husband had visitation
every other weekend and drove two hours to take her. He died in a car
crash(drunk) 6 years ago. My daughter doesn't want to talk about his death and
never really grieved out loud about it.
She has had many mood swings. My family physician prescribed her for anxiety
medicine. She has mood swings with me. One minute she is kind and caring and
then the next hour she is picking apart everything I do. I chew my food
wrong....I get yelled at if I itch my leg... if I fiddle with a button on my
coat...she gets upset....
She is very focused on her future of being a Physician's assistant and studies
at college very hard. She had a 3.9 in her first semester.
Do you think this is a kind of bi-polar disorder?
Some days it seems that everything I do bothers her.
I don't see her much now that she is in college. She comes home on holiday
weekends and during breaks.
I just wish I could help her to get over the things that bother her.
Can you help me?
Thanks for reading my letter.
Dear mom:
First let me say how sorry I am that you are having difficulty with your
daughter. Symptoms of irritability and moodiness can result from a lot of things.
There is nothing in here that you are describing that would rise to the level
of a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, but the process of diagnosis is complex.
It certainly seems from your description, that your daughter is behaving in a
way that suggests she is angry. Also, not processing her dad's death is
concerning, because grief doesn't go away, but lays dormant waiting to be
triggered.
You must be so proud of her achievements academically and her dedication to
pursue her future as a physician's assistant.
I would suggest, however, that if your daughter is speaking to you in a way
that is disrespectful which is does sound like she is doing, that you set some
boundaries with her and let her know that you won't be spoken to in that way.
To some extent, it is not uncommon for adolescents to be moody and irritable,
nor is it for them to be disrespectful and complaining to their parent.
However, if it starts to impact your relationship negatively, and it often
does, calling her out on this behavior is required. You can do this in the
context of concern as well.
For example " The way you are acting towards me is not acceptable, and I
am concerned about how angry you are or seem."
You can be there for her or encourage her to get the help she needs, but should
not have to tolerate this aggressive behavior.
If there is a history of bipolar disorder in the family, or there are clear
symptoms that seem to suggest to you something more serious is going on, you
may need to encourage her more forcefully to go get some help.
Good luck to you!
Sincerely
Kristen McClure
HOPELESS IN LYING
My daughter who is 19 now still have a problem with being
dishonest, lying.
It has been 2 1/2 years since we have learned she is bipolar on the manic side,
we are still trying to find the right combination in meds. But how do we
overcome the lying???? She is going to a therapist but I can only afford her to
go once a week and the lying is not something we have been able to overcome,
just when she starts to do good then she is caught lying again. I mean even to
my face when I know for sure that what she is telling me is false. How do we
move forward with any trust at all?
Answer
Even though we look at lying a pathological behavior, often
it is acquired as a way to make others happy and avoid conflict. Bipolar teens
in particular, may have trouble negotiating social interactions and asking and
for and getting what they need in a constructive way. They have difficulties
with problem solving, and any situation that provokes emotional intensity. If
the lies seem to be about things that have to do with displeasing you ( ie
telling you she took a positive action when she didn't, or telling you she
didn't do something that will cause you to be disapproving), then it is likely
that this is the reason.
This becomes challenging. The only way to shift this behavior in the context of
the relationship is to emphasize the honesty and reward the honesty above all
else. You would have to overlook the negative or undesirable things she is
lying about and focus only on rewarding honest behavior. This could take time,
and you would have to consistently change your reactions to her.
Teens with bipolar disorder also may lie to get control or feel more
independent from their parents. Sometimes it appears to be driven by anger. In
these cases, an approach to lying would look more like a constant discourse
when you express that you feel skeptical and you want to trust her but historically,
she has lied. You can work from the premise that most of what she tells you is
untrue, and apologize to her for having to do that, but insist that until she
changes, it would be naive to believe anything else.
The truth about lying is that it is a pretty intractable behavior. It is very
hard to change once it begins, and frankly rarely is therapy successful at
changing it.
Good luck to you, and hope your daughter is on the path to wellness.
Sincerely
Kristen
Comments for Hopeless in lying Average Rating
19 YEAR OLD WITH BIPOLAR LEFT HOME
by R(CA)
My 19 year old daughter has bipolar. She has very low
self-esteem and has had social difficulties and so sets the bar low for
friends. She tends to hang out with people who use her for drug money, or even
sex. She has had a traumatic adolescence; experiences have included the death
of my husband (her stepdad) a rape and severe bullying at school.
I am a loving, present parent and a special ed teacher, so I have utilized
every tool I can muster to help her, but I feel like I'm on a sinking ship. I
tend to be protective and hands-on and she relies on me to help her navigate
through the day. Our conflicts are always about the choices she makes with a
certain group of friends. Awful things happen whenever she associates with
them. Today I left work to help her through a particularly rough mood. After
helping her get through the dark moments, I left to attend a meeting for an
hour. When I returned, she had taken the bus across town to see the aforementioned
"friends,' and lied about her location. When I said I was coming to get
her, she admitted the truth and then said she was leaving for good. I was
stunned. She came to get clothes and thankfully took meds with her.
Last year after hanging out with this crowd, she had an episode so bad that she
was in the hospital for weeks.
She seems to be acting completely without impulse control and it frightens me
because she does not seem to learn from natural consequences. I don't know
where she is staying--the person who came for her clothes is completely new to
me. I am at a loss about what to do.
Hi Robin.
I can understand how you would be concerned about her behavior. DO you have
a good therapist and psychiatrist? I know that it is difficult to deal with
your daughter being 19 in chronological age , but not really being 19. It's
hard to know what kind of boundaries and rules to set because developmentally
she isn't really that age.
I wonder if she is stable, as you don't talk about her stability. The other
issues in her background complicate some of what might be going on also ( the rape
and death of step dad).
I would recommend that you get a good therapist if you don't already have one.
Building the infrastructure of emotional regulation is part of the job of
parents of bipolar children.It's not normal for a nineteen year old to rely on
her mother to get through the day, but it is normal for a 19 year old bipolar
child too. In fact, it may be that you can use this closeness to bring her back
in when she starts to make those dangerous and impulsive choices. I am truly
sorry for the difficulties you are having and I hope some other parents will
chime in her and give you some support.
Wishing you the best
Sincerely
Kristen McClure
Jul 30, 2015
Rating
so painful
by: Marie Madeleine
It is so painful to read your stories... I`m so sorry you, ladies.
Wish your kids to grow up and become better. I`m sure that they will
appreciate your love and patience!
Good luck! Be brave
_________
Rating
two daughters and lots of pain
by: Dad at a loss
I too have a daughter 19 (I'll call her #2) who left home this past week on
an impulse even though she tells us it's been coming. She claims we're
smothering her! This is a youg lady who has had trouble i school, socially
and emotionally. My wife has helped her to cope, therapy, meds and as much
as we can to help her to work to acheive a good bs efor life.
We've given her as much love as a parent can and now in one impulsive
moment she packed 3 bags and left home. I gave her a shot of reality and
told her no car, don't want your boyfriend to come here on the property
too. She walked up our 600 ft driveway to meet him at the end and left
home. She's calls here every day to check in, and also today she called to
ask me for more clothes. I told her NO! No clothes, no money, not a penny,
nickel or dime, nothing. You left home and walked away from your family and
now if that's what you feel is it, then after all we've done for you over
19 years. Don't call me again. I'm trying but it's harder for us then we
know. I do however fell a relief tonight. Should I? I have felt for the
past week like what the hell??? Do I deserve this, should I jump off a
bridge? My son is young, not een a teen yet. We have loved all three of our
kids no less hen the other. Our #1 daughter is an addict succeeding now in
College. It's been the toughest past 5 years then any other time in our 30
years of marriage. Is tough love the answere here? It has worked for our
other daughter casue I told her that if she stays sober I would support her
thru her rehab but if she goes back to it/drugs I'm not sure I can do it
again. the pain that she put herself thru and me, my other two kids, my
wife and us all.
We know however her creep bastard boyfriend has brainwashed her. When she
got up to leave home after an angry impulsive confontation over her and her
boyfriend who we don't like, she packed three bags and left. We had sat
down on Monday to talk, having a nice conversation w then addressed her
bastard boyfriend. After coming to me and texting my wife of how he wanted
to support her we both go very angry with her. We asked her to get him to
back down, he is way too much in our face. While my wife cried during the ordeal,
I felt like crap her we go again but not at all emotional since I'm tired
and have had enough. My daughter is 19 and has been given all the tools and
support we can thru her young life, school, socially, etc. Our other child
left us for rehab 5 years ago to drug addiction at age 18. She also had
great difficulty dealing with that and the two of them with our patience
have tried to build their relationships with some conversation leaving them
both to work on it over time. #2
Feb 07, 2011
Rating
hello
by: Connie
Hello,
I have a 22 year old daughter with bipolar. I understand what you are going
through. My daughter has moved back home from living with her boyfriend in
another state. My only advice is to hang in there...you are not alone. I
would make sure she has a pdoc and therapist. Is she on any meds righ now?
My daughter is on seroquel, wellbutrin and topamax. She is seeing a
therapist now for about three months which has made a great difference. It
is so hard on us moms...we carry the greatest burden. Take care of
yourself...that is so important.
Connie
Charlotte NC
THANK YOU
I just wanted to say how happy I am you had this information on the web. My daughter is 16 and was diagnosed bipolar and OCD nov 2010. Every day is a struggle but I still have her in this world. I went to therapy sessions and parent support groups and it definitely helped me understand her condition. Others in her life do not and it makes things much more difficult. Even my own family has told me I wasn't "handling" her well. I was letting her walk all over me. What they didn't realize is that all the stuff they saw was insignificant things. I picked my fights from the start knowing that fighting over the small stuff really wasn't worth it. However, when everyone around me was saying how I was doing things all wrong I started to question myself. Wondering if maybe they were right. I asked her psychiatrist and she said I had it right and those people were lacking information. Now your article confirmed it. So thank you for having this out there. I've sent it along to others to read and maybe grasp a better understanding of this disease my beautiful daughter suffers from.
DOES IT CHANGE?
byA)
We have a daughter, who is very intelligent, studying post
university. She was diagnosed with bipolar about 5 years ago now 28. She is
independent and lives in another city in her own apartment and cares for
herself and her cat.
we have gone through different phases when she will attach herself to either her
father or myself for several months and then she switches allegiances.
Right now we are both out! we have had some extended family problems and she
blames us as to having caused them. In her mind we are fundamentally wrong,
although she absolutely refuses to discuss situations with us. It is difficult
because it is not the kind of relationship I HAD HOPED TO HAVE WITH MY DAUGHTER
and it seems that I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
If we call there are long silences on the phone and no interest in
conversation. I call to keep contact occasionally but don't know if I should do
even that. She can not stand to be with us for more than a few hours at a time
but seems to have no problem with others... I wish you could help me know how
to deal with this. It hurts so much.
Dear A
The kind of work that it takes is extensive, but I think you its certainly
possible for things to change. Usually it require a commitment to family therapy.
Emotional perceptions and intensity are much more intense in people with
bipolar disorder. When they have good therapy, they too can learn skills to
better manage those emotions.
Thanks for sharing your story, and I hope that others who have similar experiences
may join in and give you some advice
Rating
Hang in There
by: Anonymous
When you have a bi-polar relative it feels as if they are trying to
sabotage your relationship with them. However, what is really happening is
that they have such a low self-esteem that they are trying to save you by
distancing themselves from you. They feel that they are not worthy of your
love.
I speak from experience. My spouse is bi-polar and now we are finding out
that my daughter may be.
Just hang in there and remember that bi-polar is a disease not a choice.
Let your daughter know you love her no matter what and that you just want
to be part of her life. If she allows you in great, if not at least you
tried. Never blame yourself for the thoughts the disease causes.
LIVING WITH A A BI POLAR TEEN: 18 AND READY TO LEAVE
Bipolar disorder hit my daughter's life as well as mine and my families like
the TITANIC almost a year ago. As you may know it was a nightmare of a year
mentally, behaviorally emotionally, socially and academically for her. She is
only 16 and now because of all of the "road blocks" we have had to
put in place for her and tight boundaries because of her poor decision making
she is "counting down the days" till she is 18 so she can "move
out" --I have no place to put that in my life or my heart as a mother as I
AM the person who is the most patient and understanding with her each and every
day and normally she thanks me daily and tells me she can't do it without me.
How can I better help her in the future as well as myself?
She does have a good psychiatrist, supportive family doctor, great psychologist
at school who she speaks to weekly, great home life and loving family support
all around.
Thank you for your time and help.
L
Answer:
Hi l
The truth is, it seems that you are in a pretty good
position with your daughter as is she with all of that support in place.
Suggestions:
1. All teenagers, whether they have bipolar disorder or not, go through this
period where they want to leave the nest and rebel. What choice do you really
have as a parent than to learn to accept this? You could argue, and struggle
against this but the reality is she will need to learn what she is capable an
incapable of on her own, like we all do. I would work on accepting that this is
how it is, even though it will involve pain and likely some mistakes on her
part as she learns how to be an adult with a mental illness.
2. I would talk with her therapist about how she can be a primary support
during this transition. Many of my kids come back throughout early adulthood
because they are more likely to share their struggles with a therapist than a parent.
The therapist can serve as a surrogate parent during this time.
3. I would focus with your child on developing trust and allowing them to plan
and make decisions without your interference or attempts to control. Often this
strategy of providing complete support ( kind of a little sneaky) will result
in them coming to you more for help and being more open to feedback than if you
are arguing with them about what they are and are not capable of doing on their
own.
I hope these tips have been helpful.
Good luck to you with your teenager!
Kristen
Rating
Thank you Laura
by: Linda
Laura,
Thank you for taking the time to tell your story about your son and for
offering advice and help. Every little bit helps as you know.
I will pray for your son as well. As you well know we all what the best for
our children but we can't control what they ultimately choose. I can
understand how scary it must be for all of you in your family that he wants
to be on his own.
Thank you again for your advice it really was very insightful.
All the best to your son. I won't forget him in my prayers.
Linda
Jan 18, 2012
Rating
Feeling your pain -
by: Laura
Wow - this sounds so similar to what our family is going through with our 18
year old BP1 son right now. He has decided to move completely across country
so he can be out on his own. He wants to find his own way and be
responsible for himself, rather than living in his parent's basement and
attending community college here at home. He's worked enough to have
accrued savings to support this, and so he's determined to leave. The only
people he knows out there are a best friend from high school & his
girlfriend, who both moved there 6 months ago.
We are not averse to our children "fledging" and in fact look
forward to it. With this son however, it's scary because of his illness -
out there he will have to re-develop a support network and relationships
with therapists and a psych. We are very worried for his safety since he
tends to the impulsive side - he's had multiple suicide attempts in the
past. We will not be there to pick up the pieces if/when things get out of
control. He also tends to abuse substances and we aren't confident he will
stay away from them out there.
The best advice we've gotten? Release yourself from the responsibility for
his safety - it's ultimately his job and not yours not that he's an adult.
To support this, we're helping him identify situations that might come up
and asking him "what would be a good way to address this?" or
"what's your plan for this situation?" which shows confidence in
his judgement, shows our support of him, and helps him to identify
situations to plan for. Keeping the relationship intact and supporting him
as he needs it are our key goals. Giving in to our anger over this and
cutting him off from us/his support would certainly increase the odds of
him failing so our choice is to help him succeed if we can.
We are still very scared for him, and pray daily for divine intervention
and guidance. Sorry not to have more advice than this - it's just a really
hard situation. At the end, we can only say we did the best that we could as
parents of a mentally ill child. Best of luck to you and your
daughter!
Laura
BACKED AGAINST A WALL
byS)
Hi.
About two years I was adopted. When I was 6 I was raped, and ever since
then I have been an entirely different person. My biological parents both had
Bipolar and I'm almost positive I have it, but don't know how to approach the
subject with my adoptive parents. They think I am just overreacting, like any teen
does, but I know that it is much more than that. I go from being EXTREMELY
happy and loving life to hating it and not wanting to live.
I also don't really sleep regularly, forget a lot of things, constantly put
myself in stressful situations, and completely blank out/stress out to the point
I am not able to continue. I don't know what to do because I know that I need
help .
Hi.
Firstly I want you to know that what happened to you when you were six was not
your fault. You didn't do anything to cause that to happen.
Many people who have experienced a trauma have post traumatic stress disorder,
and the symptoms you are describing could also be accounted for by that. I cant
make a diagnosis of course, because I don't have enough information and you are
not my client. It is certainly also possible that you do have bipolar disorder.
Your feeling that something is not right is something that you need to pay
attention to. You have been through a tremendous amount of stress just by
virtue of the fact that you were adopted, and I assume you lived with your
bioparents for a while or were in foster care system which is stressful and
scary and doesn't provide you with the sense of safety or stability you need.
The most important thing to me is that you get help. Please tell you parents
that you are feeling at times like you do not want to live. This is very
serious and I want you to tell someone close when you have these feelings.
Tell your mom and dad that you want to see a school counselor or a therapist. This
person can help you to figure out what it is that you are struggling from and
how to get you help so you don't feel this way any longer.
Medical information obtained from this website is not intended as a substitute
for professional care. If you have or suspect you have a problem, you should
consult a health care provider. If you have a mental health emergency dial 911.
MEDICATION ADHERENCE / COMPLIANCE
by IMS
(California)
My son is 15 and has been diagnosed as Bipolar and has been
taking risperidone for the last 2 months off and on.
I say off and on because he will think he is doing better and then stops taking
it. When he stops taking it he gets violent.
He has thrown a dresser at me when he thought I was teasing him about his
medication. What I said was that he needs to see that he does better on his
medication. He also challenges my husband and if our younger children say
something to him he will charge them and has hurt both of them.
Just yesterday he was arrested for assault and threatening to kill my husband
and my younger son. He bit my arm when I was holding him from trying to hurt my
other son.
My question is (i have many) how do we deal with him thinking he doesn't need
his medication. He doesn't go to school we have set in motion Home Hospital
school, he won't play sports(very talented) and he won't go to counseling.
Our hope is now that he is in the Juvenal system they will help us get on
board.
How do we as parents support him without taking away from our other two
children? We have a younger son who is angry and doesn't understand that we
have "given" in to our older son and resents his brother for all the
pain and drama he has caused in our family.
Answer
Medication Non adherence is common among people who have mental illness.
Unfortunately ,the research indicates usually the reason people are non
complaint with their meds is that they don't believe they are sick. When my
children are non adherent, I point out all the things that have happened in
their life that seem to indicate something is wrong, and emphasize that it is
not because they are bad, but because they are sick. I may trace the family
lineage of the disorder to illustrate that it is a genetic disorder and they
are not blame. Sometimes this is helpful and sometimes it is not. When it is
clear that this is not helping I abandon the strategy. Unfortunately there is
some evidence to suggest that some people with bipolar disorder have a complete
lack of insight into the fact that they are ill.
Another reason for non compliance is substance abuse. Substance abuse reduces
the teens insight and makes it challenging for those around to assess the
symptoms as well. Hopefully, your child is not using substances, but I would
suspect it is a possibility.
Other reasons may exist, however. I would really suggest that you find a
therapist that can develop a good rapport with teens who are non complaint.
Obviously it may be medication side effects or ineffectiveness that is causing
your child to refuse to take meds, or it may be a fear that it will be
stigmatizing in some way or means that they are damaged. As I mentioned before
the number one reason people are non adherent to their medication regime is not
believing they are ill, but these are also possibilities.
I don't know with your son what in particular is causing him not to take his
medication, or refuse therapy, but my guess is that it is probably his lack of
insight into his illness. I would suggest that you have a talk with him, and
start to figure out what may be something that you could use to motivate him to
take his medications. Then whatever it might be use that to help persuade him
to take his medications. If he is not open to persuasion it is helpful to find
something to bargain with.
I hope that involvement in the juvenile justice system does help your son. It
is important that those involved focus on gaining his trust so that they can
wield some influence rather than forcing him to comply out of fear.
Regarding Siblings
There is no easy answer here. Siblings need to understand that they have a brother
or sister who is sick due to mental illness. I would spend as much time
educating him about this as possible, and get him into therapy so he can
process these issues and get some assistance navigating through the stress this
causes him.
Focus on safety is of paramount importance, and arrangements may need to be
made for him to spend time with friends or family when things are particularly
heated at home.
Additionally, you may need to go to great extremes to ensure that your other
children don't get neglected. It is likely in the face of this that it may be
easy for that to happen. Key to this is to get the help you yourself need, and
use your support systems that are in place as much as possible. Repeatedly
check in with the others about how they are feeling and what they need to feel
safe and nurtured.
Good luck!
Kristen
PUBLIC HS, INDEPENDENT STUDY, OR HOMESCHOOLING?
by Susan
My daughter has been diagnosed with bipolar and OCD. She is
a junior in HS. The past two years have been disasterous in terms of her
ability to succeed in school. She does have a 504 in place, but the
accommodations do not help her with her focus and ability to complete her work.
This past summer she enjoyed a period of stability (no stress from school) and
we thought it might last into the school year. Three weeks into the semester,
however, and she seems to be headed for a manic cycle. My question is...at what
point is it a good decison to look into another school arrangement entirely?
Like independent study or homeschooling. My concern is that, when stable, she
loves to be around her friends. I wonder what effect being home all week would
have on her. She might want to go back to school two months from now when she
is feeling better...
My dilemma is that while I want her to experience HS, I think it is
unreasonable to expect her to navigate it while going through an unstable
period. Kids can be cruel...a few have already started calling her
"psycho." Heartbreaking.
So sorry for what your child is going through!
My rule of thumb is if the child is being destabilized by school, and we are
looking at possible hospitalization or destabilization than its important to
look at pulling them out. I do think that it is important to weigh the loss of
friends into that equation, but if you are very creative about it, you can
preserve those friendships and that social contact.
It may be important to look at putting an actual IEP in place, as this will
hold the school more accountable to the accommodations. Of course, I would also
include your daughter in these conversations to some extent.
Whether or not to home school is a difficult decision for many parents, but I
usually support that option when the school is a hostile place to the children
I work with.
Good luck!
Comments for Public HS, Independent Study, or
Homeschooling?
Average Rating
Nov 04, 2015
Rating
Very informative
by: Jack Redford
Three weeks into the semester, however, and she seems to be headed for a
manic cycle. My question is...at what point is it a good decison to look
into another school arrangement entirely?
Rating
ANTI-DEPRESSANT?
Mother of 18 year old boy that just moved out on his 18th
birthday...before he graduated high school.
We have had daily crazy happenings since the day we got home from our family
vacation. Nothing has been normal since then. Our son has been to a
psychiatrist and seeing a therapist for 4-5 years and has been medicated that
long. He's always been on an anti-depressant and mood stabilizer. The current
book we are reading on bi-polar states not to use an anti-depressant even
though his psychiatrist prescribed it. What's your advice?
Comments for Anti-depressant?
Average Rating
by: Kristen
I am not a psychiatrist, however, the current wisdom is to start "low
and slow" with antidepressants. They can be used with mood stabilizers
at low doses once a child's mood is stable to help them with their bipolar
disorder.
BIPOLAR TEEN WHO WON'T SEE THERAPIST
byB)
My 18-yr old son is bipolar and won't see a therapist. He's
dropped out of school and having trouble getting motivated to get his GED &
to get a job. How can I help him? He fights me on everything and says he can't
stand living with me. Help!
B
Hi B
If your son is not motivated it is likely he is not stable.
If he fights you on everything it is likely he is not stable also. It can be
hard when kids are 18 because you don't necessarily have the authority you once
did. The medications are the most important piece. If he is in denial about his
illness and not willing to seek help, all you can do is continue to try to
encourage him to see someone to help him manage his moods. The right therapist
can certainly make a difference. I usually ask kids to make a four session
commitment and then tell them if they don't want to return that's fine. Usually
by then Ive won them over.
Good luck to you B
Sincerely
Kristen McClure
DESPERATE FOR HELP: BIPOLAR DAUGHTER
My daughter is almost 20, and has suffered from bipolar
"symptoms" for approximately 7 years now. As a child (up until about
6th grade), she was the happiest child you could ever meet. She was confident,
outgoing, and had many friends and interests. At some point during middle
school, everything changed. She became very distant, had a very difficult time
communicating with us (mom & dad), and gradually things got much
worse.
She began "cutting" in 8th grade, got involved with pain killers and
became addicted for over two years, has been pregnant three times, got accepted
to a very good college but only stayed for a month and ended up dropping out.
Over the past couple of years, she has been in therapy (cognitive behavioral
therapy).
She has also tried a wide variety of medications that never really seem to make
much of a difference. She temporarily seemed to be getting better and signed up
for classes at a local community college. To make a long story a little
shorter, she has since dropped out of school again - mainly due to her most
recent pregnancy. After having two abortions, she decided to keep this baby.
(of course my husband and I were just devastated). Ironically, while she was
pregnant, for about two months, her entire mood changed. She was happy, pleasant,
and almost like the person she used to be so long ago. (which makes me question
a possible hormone imbalance). About two weeks ago, she lost the baby. You can
only imagine how devastating this has been on her.
She no longer has any interest in doing anything. She hangs out with her
boyfriend most days and nights, smokes a great deal of pot, does absolutely
nothing around the house, asks for money often, and never, ever talks about the
next step in her life. My husband and I strongly disagree on how to handle/discipline
her on a daily basis, and are even thinking of having her move out on her own
for awhile. We desperately need advice and direction. Currently the only
medication she is on is clonopin. She doesn't really want to try any more medications,
which means we need to find an alternative.
My thoughts were possibly taking her for hormone testing. Any information you
can give me would so greatly be appreciated. Thank you.
Dear A
Firstly, I am sorry for the trouble you are having with your daughter. I
think it is important to know, that a 20 year old with bipolar that has been
this severe, may always struggle even if stabilized. We believe the longer
someone is unstable, the worse the illness can get.Your child, from what you
describe has never had stability since the onset of the illness.
Bipolar is a brain disorder and you need the best medicine and medical care to
fix that. That includes medicine and therapy.
Your daughter should have a psychiatrist that has a tremendous amount of experience
with bipolar, and who is willing to work with the family. The therapist, the
same.
The loss of the child and the abortions have probably complicated her recovery.
I would recommend the therapist also have a sensitivity to how difficult these
losses must be for her.
If your daughter had cancer, it would be unheard of to do an incomplete trial
of chemotherapy and expect a change. Would it not?
Half treatment doesn't work nor does partial medication. I believe with the
proper care and medication your daughter and all people with bipolar disorder
can get better.
Good luck to you in your search.
Sincerely
Kristen MCCLure
HOW DO YOU GET STARTED?
by D
(Colorado)
My son is 16 and has always been intense and one of those
kids that always seems to be outside the box or stuck inside the box. To use a
few cliche's... a square kid trying to fit in a round world. A black and white
kid who has always had trouble with the gray zones.
I also have a daughter who is 13. She has always been a very even tempered by
the book type kid. And then my youngest is only 3 and at this point a happy
busy typical 3 year old. My husband is very even tempered like my daughter
(thank goodness!).
I have personally struggled with depression in one form or another for most of
my life and recently (Jan 2009) I have been diagnosed as Soft Bipolar or
Bipolar Type 2.
Basically with me, it has disguised it's self as depression and escalated over
the years. I never knew you could be "a little bit" bipolar"
until now. Consequently, I have been doing a lot of reading to get my head
around this new diagnosis for myself and talking with my family to prepare them
for trying new medications that might not be so easy for me to adjust to and
the long process involved.
In the process of all of this, it dawns on me how much my son exactly fits the
profile of a bipolar teen (and looking back, even the younger child profile).
It's really the first time I ever read anything about children his age that
actually fit him. His issues are not to the extreme of some I read about, but
it has been escalating over the past year as far as mood swings. He is a great
student, a very high intellectual thinker, but I have noticed him really
struggling with his moods more and more.
It worries me thinking of him heading out on his own to college in only 2
years. We already have a family counselor that has been working with my son
(and also the whole family in the process) on and off for a couple of years for
some issues with self control and inappropriate behavior.
My question is how to go about approaching the process of exploring if in fact
my son is bipolar? Can a teenager be a little bit bipolar also? I don't want
him to go through what I have had to deal with for YEARS.
I want to help him but often don't know how. I know how to find psychiatrist
and such since I have been down that road for years myself. I already have some
recommendations for specialists on bipolar teens. Mostly I am wondering how to
approach my son with the idea of exploring this idea?
Answer
Hi D
This is really a great question for several different reasons.
Firstly, in my practice I can tell you that my kids who have bipolar disorder
may start out with bipolar traits, and these traits are on a spectrum ( that is
what you mean when talk about soft bipolar.)
SO, for example, there are some young children who I work with who have intense
anxiety and depression that later changes and becomes a diagnosable bipolar
disorder.I am also sure you have heard of the research related to how many
people begin with one of bipolar and later convert to another. Most often
people who have a depressive unipolar episode may later evolve or turn out to
be bipolar.
Some adolescents I work with had a late onset, but often there were symptoms
and signs much earlier.
I have recently had an influx in my practice
of kids who have gone to college and begun to have symptoms of bipolar or panic
that suddenly get worse and rise to the level of full blown bipolar. This is
due to the stress often of the change and pressures that mount in college.
I would suggest you talk to your son about the genetic component and the
diagnosis. Preparing him for the fact that he may now have or may later suffer
from impairing symptoms of a bipolar nature.
I find education is the key to managing this disorder. The more you know the
better off you are, the more prepared the better off you are.
Good luck
WHETHER HE IS BIPOLAR OR NOT?
My sister son is 16yrs and is doing his 10th Final. He
doesn't have self esteem at times. Now he lives with me as he conflicts wit my
sister(His mother) and his father and his younger brother. As i don't have
children i have enough time for him, and he shared a lot about him with me
which he never did with his mother. He was even using drugs (Hashish).
Sometimes he is very sad and says that he is always trying to do one step ahead
comparing to other children even in school and ends up in problems.
For example he told me when he saw his friends smoking he started drugs, when
his mother says to do something he tries to do opposite. He keeps on saying no
body understands his feelings. He cries fast. For studies I have to push him, but
he has a good memory and can learn very fast.He definitely has extra caliber in
studies if e utilize it. Still he fears exams.
Some times he is aggressive and threatening to get some things within no time
(Some gadgets,pets etc). Even though he listen to me more than his parents,
when he is in some moods he even avoids me. Somehow he makes us to say YES for
his demands.
Actually after staying with me we can notice a lot of change in him like
stopped smoking, cut off his friends circle, stop roaming outside etc. But not
concentrating on studies and telling me he cannot control his emotions at some
times. And on ther times he hugs me and confessing for what happened and crying
a lot. We have taken him to NIMHANS Bangalore and they suggested the medicine Cipram
20mg daily for him and couldn't diagnose what exactly is wrong with him.
Is he a bipolar or not? Where can i get treatment for this kind of illness?
Please advise me.
Answer
Answer
Hi N
I am so sorry to hear of the difficulty you are having with
you nephew. He is certainly lucky to have you. I do not not know if he is
bipolar or not, however, Celexa is an antidepressant and could perhaps cause
further problems if he is Bipolar. I can tell you it does sound as if he is
struggling with some difficulty with his moods. Certainly, what you are
describing is anxiety and depression.
Part of what makes it difficult to know what is happening is that he is, or was
using drugs. Many of the mood disorders ( anxiety , depression, bipolar disorder)
can't be diagnosed unless the symptoms were there before the drugs, because
effects of drugs can often be similar to the symptoms of those mental illnesses.
You don't mention your nephews family history which is also significant when
looking at these issues.
I can imagine it is difficult to get good treatment where you are. If you do
give your nephew those medications please watch him carefully.
Perhaps some other people will write in closer to your location and provider
you with some helpful information.
Good Luck,
Kristen McClure
BIPOLAR TEEN......LOOKING TO HELP AS BEST I CAN.....
by Jackie
I'm 19 years old and have bipolar 2 disorder. doctors say it
started when i was in the 4th grade. From that moment i was constantly
struggling in school, home and with "friends" I had at those times.
the two main things i struggled with, and still do from time to time, was my
family, but more so myself. i was so confused constantly and so afraid all the
time of what was going on inside my head. it was like i was on a never ending
horror ride at a theme park. it got so bad, when i was about 9 or 10 years old
my mom and i were eating dinner. right out of the blue i looked over at her and
asked straight up " mom....am i going crazy?".
i don't exactly know how to describe the intensity of the emotions i felt. but
to give a good idea, take what the "average" person feels (anger,
sadness, scared, even happy) and try to multiply it times 50, maybe even 100.
to try to lesson the intensity i would self mutilate. it started at an early
age. at the time i just didn't know what else to do. all this continued all the
way to my first 9th grade year. yes, i failed that year. the reason for that is
because my disorder got worse, i got into drugs and alcohol, i constantly skipped
school and i was hospitalized a few times. now, to most people being
hospitalized in a psychiatric facility means that person is "crazy".
nope.
at least not for me. i know now that i was hospitalized because i was not safe
from myself, my friends and family were not able to help me, i needed to get on
medication and i needed to be in a safe, neutral environment. in the end, it
really did help. it helped me A LOT! i learned so much. BUT, i was willing to
learn. when i was able to take all the coping skills i received and created,
and place them in my daily life, i was able to control my emotions, for the
most part, and the bigger picture became clear enough for me to find my path in
life.
now, at this point in time, despite all that I've been through and endured, i
have NEVER felt this balanced and in control.....i even find myself laughing
and smiling everyday. i found my path to recovery, i took baby steps the whole
way, i fell and learned, i got back up and continued on. what helped me the most
was finding people who understood me and what i was going through. my family
had no clue. they still don't. but they try REALLY hard to understand. that made
it kinda worse for me at times.
most of the time i just wanted them to leave me alone so i could deal with it
myself on my own time. and as for my friends.....up until about two years ago
most of my friends were bad influences. now, I've learned how to choose my
friends wisely. the friends i have now help me stay on the right track.....and they
love me for me. they know everything about my past. bipolarness and all.
hahaha.
yes i had my therapist and psychiatrist, but what helped most was a support
group i went to. so, really REALLY long story short, it will take time, effort
and a lot of love and support from those around a person to help them with
their path to recovery, no matter how old or young that person is with bipolar
disorder. speaking from my own experience, the more positivity that person is
surrounded by, more doors will open. it took me four years to get to where i am
today. but you know what, it was all worth it.
Comments for Bipolar teen......looking to help as best i
can.....
Average Rating
Jun 13, 2010
Rating
Cindy...
by: Jackie
when i was first diagnosed i too was in denial for a long time, for many
reasons. my main reason was that i was afraid of being "labeled"
as psycho, crazy or anything of that nature. so instead of trying to cope
with my disorder, learn about it and face it, i tried to ignore and run
from it in every way possible. i think its absolutely wonderful that your
trying to understand your daughter, for my mother explained to me many
times her trying to understand me and what i was going through was very
difficult. as of now i have two books on bipolar disorder and one book on
psychology that helped me quite a bit. the two bipolar books are "The
Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide by David J. Miklowitz" and
"Bipolar Disorder For Dummies". As silly as those may sound
they've helped me understand my disorder on a factual level. the psychology
book is "The Complete Idiots Guide To Psychology". all of those books
gave me a clinical perspective on my disorder and gave me actual facts,
however, i have also read a couple of books written by people with Bipolar
Disorder or people with loved ones that have Bipolar Disorder. Those books
gave me a more personal and internal perspective. The only book i can
remember was called "Cutting" but i cant remember who the author
is. i used to have a problem with cutting and decided to read the book to
understand it better myself. i got all my books from Borders book store and
Barns And Noble. the only website i've looked into is kristens, so i'm not
sure what is on the internet that can help. in all honesty, the only reason
i have been able to cope with my disorder was because i accepted it and
CHOSE to understand it instead of continuing to deny or run from it. it did
take me a while to do so. for me it was a self-paced process...and a
slightly slow one at that. i too neglected to talk to most people,
especially my family. i cant tell you why your daughter is doing the same,
because it may be different for her...but for me, i didnt share what i was
going through not only because i didnt know how to but because i was afraid
to. afraid of how my family would react to what i was thinking and feeling.
i would get very upset if anyone would ask me questions that i didnt know
how to answer or didnt want to answer. all i wanted my family to do was be
patient with me, love me as one's family would, let me know everyday that
they were there for me whenever i needed them and reassure me that
eventually everything would be ok. i hope i have managed to help you Cindy.
if you ever have anymore questions, please feel free to comment here and i
will gladly try to help as best i can. i wish you and your daughter the
brightest of days, biggest of smiles and best of luck. ~Jackie~
Jun 12, 2010
Rating
Good for you!
by: Cindy
Hi Jackie, I am a teacher and parent of a bipolar 16 year old. I am
struggling to understand what she is going through, as she doesn't share.
Your story has given a bit of insight into what she may be going through.
She is in denial and keeps stopping her meds which throws our lives into
chaos. I am struggling to find a way to help her and survive these awful
times. We are in a very rural area and lack services to support us. Have
you found any books, websites or other resources that I might be able to
tap into? You are a smart young lady and seem to have found the balance a
person needs in life. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
Apr 12, 2009
Rating
Renee
by: Jackie
it wasnt just guts and willingness that got me through it all....it was the
love of those around me and the knowledge of what was happening to me. I am
very glad to know i've helped in whatever way i did. that was my main goal
in telling my story. i'm glad i was able to help you with your son. if at
anytime you have a question and what not feel free to ask. i'll continue to
help as best as i can. good luck and i hope things go well for your son. he
has quite a journey ahead.....and it will turn out for the better i'm sure
=)
~Jackie
Apr 07, 2009
Rating
Thank-you
by: Renee
Hi Jackie,
First, I want to say that I am in "aw" of your guts and
willingness to share your story. You have not only helped the parents that
are dealing with their bipolar child, but you have also helped many
children/teens understand that they are not alone in their feelings! What a
gift you gave to not only me, but I am sure many others.
Let us know when you publish your first book about your coping/survival
skills, I will be the first in line to buy it!!
I will share your story with my son, 15, and anyone else who struggles to
understand the inner chaos!
Thank-you,
Renee
DAUGHTER (12) AND SPOUSE ARE BIPOLAR
by S(Sacramento, CA)
Question:
I have been practicing the suggested RAINBOW techniques. Very helpful. What
would you suggest when the mother is also Bipolar and trying to deal with both
of them at the same time. They seem to often trigger each other.
Thanks.
Answer:
For those of you who don’t know, RAINBOW stands for Routine, Affect
Regulation, “I can do it”, No negative and live in the Now, Be a good friend
and Balanced lifestyle for parents, “Oh how can we solve this”, and ways to get
support? They are just ways to think of the most important factors in parenting
bipolar children. These same techniques are helpful with adults who have bipolar!
This is an excellent question. I really think an acknowledgment and an
awareness of the illness and how it impacts the family among everyone would be
useful.
Good therapy for your wife, with a focus on how to monitor her stress level
recognize her moods and how her mood affect her ability to parent may be
helpful.
The rainbow techniques are helpful with adults as well, and practicing them
with your wife in the context of parenting your child is a great idea.
I think the awareness and acknowledgment is important because more often than
not, I see mothers or fathers who will faithfully learn how to recognize their
child's mood states, and how to manage their child's mood states. They will
come to therapy to help their children every week.
However, when it comes to themselves, there is a lack of awareness of their
needs and at times almost a denial. I see the rest of the family partake in
that. It takes a long time for me to help the family realize they have to take
care of themselves, understand themselves and commit to monitoring and managing
their own stress level.
Many times I think parents just don't recognize that they have to care for
themselves if they can care for their child. They think its selfish, or can't
see the long term benefit. It’s not selfish, it’s necessary and certainly in
the child's interest to make that same level of commitment to your wife, or to
yourself!
Thanks so much for your question, and good luck to your family!
Comments for Daughter (12) and Spouse are Bipolar
Average Rating
Dec 01, 2012
Rating
I feel your pain
by: Dan Martin
I completely understand and feel your pain, my daughter is very similar.
Advanced language skills, loves writing, gore, and very intelligent. Our
house too is a war zone with the main difference being that my wife is
Bipolar too and my daughter 14. Getting her to the dr is the right thing to
do and medication is the first step in a long journey. I would also suggest
your husband become more aware of mental illness. Beating her (and many
times he and you are probably justified in feeling like it!!) won't help
anything. With a bipolar child you need huge amounts of patience. You found
this page do your in the right place. Good luck and god bless!
Jan 29, 2011
Rating
suspected 12 yr old daughter is bipolar
by: Anonymous
After much research and observation, I feel my 12 yr old daughter is
bipolar. She gets angry with every no that I say. She is verbally abusive,
and blurts out inappropriate things. She is full of anger toward her brothers
and the rest of her family. She speaks so quickly I can hardly understand
her. She is gifted in Lang. Arts, and is an outstanding writer. She is
obsessed with gore and laughs at people getting hurt. She has friends, and
is a beautiful dancer and cheerleader. At school she is a model student,
but now is not completing her work and getting F's because of not doing
homework. She is very forgetful, cannot focus and is always distracted. If
her cheer leading squad does not get 1st place at competitions she throws a
fit, verbally abusing her team and me. She doesn't care who hears her. She
refuses to take a shower(once went a week) and will not wear a coat in the
winter. She has an appointment with a psychiatrist soon. I filled out a questionnaire
about bipolar symptoms, and she fits almost every one. She has severe
anxiety, mild OCD, and her counselor feels she may have high functioning Asperger’s.
My daughter has had issues since she was in kindergarten. She did not like
to be held as a child, was very intelligent at a young age, and certain
noises and sensations drive her crazy. Our household is a war zone. Her
father yells because he doesn't know how to handle her. I try to reason
with her but she gets verbally abusive. We are in need of help. I plan to
get counseling for all of us, but my husband is going to be difficult. He
thinks the only way to discipline is to beat the crap out of her. (He
hasn't done this yet.) We are frustrated and confused. Any advice would be
great.
LEARNING TO DRIVE
by carroll
(Wichita, Kansas.)
My grandson is 17 and was sweet and considerate as a child.
He is bipolar and keeps postponing learning to drive, even though his parents
have signed him up for classes, and even though he is very smart and can drive
a golf cart, for example. He is very rebellious right now, and his somewhat
older friends drive him around. Even though it will take him a long time to
actually drive alone in his state, his parents want him to take this step
toward independence, and at least learn. Have you heard of this? Suggestions?
Carroll in Kansas.
Dear Caroll
Usually I hear the opposite from parents, that is, they are not wanting their
bipolar kids to drive and the kids are pressuring them. My guess is he is
anxious, if anything, or why else would he be avoiding it? Unless, of course,
it is just because he wants to do the opposite of what they tell him.
In general, my perspective is teenagers are less skilled to drive than adults.
They are impulsive, and often reckless, and if they have bipolar disorder, they
may have side effects from the medications that impair their driving as well.
However, I also understand the parents, if they believe he is skilled and mature
enough, wanting him to learn this skill. I would recommend finding out exactly
what it is that is getting in the way of him doing this. Certainly, you can't
make a 17 year old do anything!!
What an interesting question. Thanks for sharing.
Sincerely
Kristen McClure
PROVOKED BY FAMILY... HOW CAN WE HELP HIM COPE WITH THIS??
by Lori
(Texas)
I have a Bipolar teenager who is 15 and was diagnosed only 3
years ago. We have been struggling with teaching him to take responsibility for
his actions/words etc. However, we are also learning that yelling and screaming
does NO good, in fact my child shuts down when he believes he is being yelled
at or when he believes he is right. Recently, my husband and I were out for the
evening and my child came home about 25 minutes late. His Uncle &
Grandmother were at the house and came off angry asking where he was at. I
figured a fairly normal response since he was late and it was dark and they had
no idea where he was at. He responded by stating he lost track of time. We are
working on that with him, when he becomes involved with video games etc, he
loses track of time. He got into a verbal argument with his Uncle, my son
became defensive and then after being yelled at he shut down. He ignored his
Uncle and balled up his fists, something he does when he is angry & frustrated,
he has never hit anyone. His Uncle took this as a threat and bent down to
further agitate him and ask him to "come on boy. Come on" I assume
trying to get my son to hit him. My son could not take anymore and bolted out
the door and ran off. My son is angry and upset with his uncle. He states that
he feels like he was disrespected and pushed into the situation that caused him
to cuss and run. I would like to know what we can do as parents to help my son
not feel as though he has to bolt out the door or yell profanity when he feels
as though he has been pushed to his limit. He will be in high school next year
and I know that as soon as the other kids find out that he will either cry when
provoked or get mad and run away that they will try to get him to do this. I
want to be able to help him face the ignorance of family and people in the
world with his dignity in tact. I want him to learn how to cope with situations
and come out as the better person. How can I help him accomplish this when he
is already having to tackle this with family, who should be on his side?
Thank you
Hi Lori
This is an excellent question, a great question. I don't think there is an
answer to how you can get him to react in a better way. When children who are
bipolar feel threatened, their whole physiology responds as if they are under
attack. They get in a fight,m flight, freeze mode just like they would if they
were in real danger.
In this scenario, the best option was for your son to run, as I can't imagine
fighting would have had a good outcome.
Frankly that behavior is outrageous from his family member, and educating
family members about his illness and what you will tolerate in relation to how
he is treated is about the only option I can think of. My thought is his uncle
has his own issue he needs to work through! I am sure you are in agreement.
I think I would work to do the best I can to set up a safety plan for your son
and allow him to know that you have his back and are protecting him when family
members get aggressive. Educating them and setting limits is also important.
It may take some time before he understands how to navigate high school. I
would try to ensure support is in place by meeting with the staff of the school
prior to his arriving and educating them about this dynamic and his
illness.
Good luck
Sincerely
Kristen McClure
MY 15 YEAR OLD SON WITH BI-POLAR
My name is N and I live in upstate NY. My son was diagnosed
with ADHD when he was 5 and about 2 years ago, he was diagnosed with
bi-polar.
He takes 40mg of Straterra, 1250mg of depakote and 1800mg of neurotin. It seems
to really help him but my husband doesn't seem to really understand bi-polar
and get's very frustrated with our son. Giving our son simply rules like no one
is to be in the house when we are not home and you are not to leave the house
when we are not home. He doesn't seem to grasp it. Last night he allowed a
friend over when we were not home and we grounded him. Our son's most precious
thing is his CELL PHONE!!!! My husband took it from him and broke it!!
He told our son that because he broke the rules about not having anyone in the
house while we are not home, he broke his phone!! I feel he went overboard with
breaking his phone and stuck in the middle!! What are your thoughts and can you
help us with discipline for our a bi-polar child??? I don't want to put more
stress on our son, but he also needs boundaries!! My heart breaks because he
struggles so and because my husband and my son always bump heads!! PLEASE
HELP!!!!
Answer
Hi N
This sounds like a challenging place for you to be. Kids who have bipolar
disorder often do not respond to normal discipline and parenting, and it can be
challenging to get them to follow rules. Men have a particularly hard time with
their sons, because they feel like they should know what to do and be able to
get things under control.
One of the best approaches with kids like your son is the collaborative problem
solving approach. You can learn about it by googling it. There are videos where
you can watch it in action being demonstrated by the creator, Ross
Greene.
Here are the basic assumptions:
Kids do well if they can. If they have the skills they would be using them,
because all kids want to do well. If you believe your child is behaving badly,
or trying to make you angry, your approach to addressing their behavior will be
different from if you believe they are lacking the skills and have difficulty
solving problems.
Parents with children with special needs, need to be flexible and accepting of
what they are dealing with, rather than parenting their child in ways that are
ineffective just because they think the child should listen.
When a child's environment has stress in it that they cannot navigate
successfully, you often see it as a behavior problem
So, if for example your child is breaking rules about having his peers over,
this particular approach would stress that the child is somehow feeling
stressed by this and unable to make good choices about following rules. This is
often the case with kids who are trying to fit in.
Finally the most helpful concept may be three options for problem solving,
which adults usually try to use to solve problems with kids.
Plan A, Unilateral problem solving ( what your husband did)
Plan C dropping the problem completely ( what we often do)
Plan B is where we want to be and what we want to be doing. Go to the website
Lives in the balance and click on Plan B to see this in action. Essentially
this is about respectfully working with kids to address issues that you know
are present when you are not in crisis.
Hope this helps.
Good Luck
Kristen McClure
HELP!
by ez
(ww,wa)
I have a 15yr daughter who was dx w rapid cycling bipolar
disorder/pathological liar/histrionic personality disorder. In addition to
having severe depression.
My family has struggled with this for the last yr and a half. I am now at wits
in regarding how to help her. She is manipulative and has lost her bonds w
younger siblings. I find it very difficult to communicate w her and continue
providing guidance and support.
I feel I can only keep her safe. She has threatened suicide many times and harm
to our family. I have neglected my husband and 2 younger children because it is
exhausting dealing with her everyday. I feel like I’m spinning my wheels. she
portrays to be uncaring but i know deep down she miserable too. What more can I
do for her yet protect my family/myself?
Answer:
Firstly, let me say how sorry I am for the challenges you are facing with
your child. Mental Illness is not something that is easy to deal with in a
family, but it is important to realize that it is the illness that is causing
your child to have these difficulties.
I believe that children and adults do the best they can to be socially
adaptive. If people are having a hard time coping with stress sometimes they
make poor behavioral choices. It’s because they don’t have the skills, not
because they are trying to harm others. Often people diagnosing kids forget how
harmful the terms they use can be, and how much damage they can do. I never use
the word manipulative to refer to children’s behavior because the it implies
malice. I don’t believe that this is the case. Kids who do not know how to ask
for what they need directly, sometimes use creative ways to get their needs
met. Looking at her behavior this way can lead to more productive solutions.
All of the behaviors you are describing are due to her mental illness, not her
being a bad person. Although I know how challenging the behavior of bipolar
teens can be, it’s important to keep in mind that these are just her attempts to
function the best she can.
It is for this reason that good therapy is so important. She needs help, you need
support and your family needs support dealing with the challenges this mental
illness brings. If she is regularly threatening suicide, and to harm your
family, she is not stable. She needs her medications adjusted or a higher level
of care.
Neglecting your husband and two your children is likely to build resentment and
unhappiness. Therapy can help you to learn how to balance this and how to be
more realistic about what you expect from yourself.
REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS: HOW TO BEST ENCOURAGE SELF CARE AND HEALTHY BEHAVIORS??
by S(WA)
Hi,
I am the mother of a bipolar 18 year old female. We are recently on our own
after separating from my verbally abusive husband, who is an untreated bipolar.
She also has a history of ADHD, epilepsy and self harm (cutting). My daughter
wants to feel good and is seeing a counselor and psychiatrist, but has great difficulty
keeping daytime hours and taking her medication as necessary. For many reasons,
she is emotionally more like a 13 year old than an 18 year old, and it has been
next to impossible for me to have a baseline of expectation for her self
care.
I would like to know if it is reasonable of me to expect she keep daytime
hours, keep food out of her room (big issues there), and take her medications
as directed more often, and if so, how to best encourage these behaviors by
means other than modeling positive behavior, praising good choices, and active
listening (which on the whole do not appear to be terribly effective)? I would
appreciate any input on the matter.
Answer
Hello
I do not know your daughter so it is difficult to answer the question of if
it’s reasonable. I tell my teens that they have a reverse sleep wake cycle, and
that they need to keep this in mind when they are applying for jobs or
scheduling school. My philosophy is that they function better if they are allowed
to be on a more natural schedule for them. I encourage parents to make reasonable
accommodations for that.
Keeping food out of her room? Again I do not know her. My suggestion would be
to communicate to her that you would like for her to try to work on that, but
that you know it’s difficult for her, and praise praise praise rather than
criticize when frustrated. You may have to let it go. Keeping a clean food free
room may be the least of your worries, or hers as she gets older. It’s also an
issue common to teens that aren’t bipolar, and it doesn’t mean she will have
this habit permanently. Communication is one of the most important pieces. Regardless
of what the issues respectful no aggressive communication will be more
appropriate and effective than any other method.
There are all sorts of tools to help kids with remembering medications. Pill
boxes, alarms etc. I think you medication would be the most important issue out
of the ones you mentioned. You should expect that she will work towards taking her
medications and make every attempt to help her to get there. Medication non
compliance could result in a hospitalization; therefore I would devote the most
time to that!
Good luck
Sincerely,
Kristen
Comments for Reasonable Expectations: How to best
encourage self care and healthy behaviors??
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here to add your own comments
Aug 26, 2010
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Reasonable Expectations
by: Renee
Hi,
After reading your story, I felt the need to add my two cents about
expectations. Our son is 17, diagnosed w/bipolar, attention and anxiety
issues. Our expectations change according to how his mind set is that day
and we never criticize what he does attempt to do. We choose what is the
most important thing for him and that is for him to be safe and the only
assurance we have with that is medicine. I am in complete control of his
medicines...non-negotiable! Everything else is negotiable, well except for
the obvious, no knives, guns etc...!
Reasonable expectations come with stability and time...in her time not
yours. You can promote it, expect it, but let it go if it doesn't
happen.
With help from her psychiatrist, her sleep cycle may be altered with a med
adjustment, just a thought.
Food in the room, as long as it is not bringing in creepy crawlers, so
what! Close her bedroom door. I have to admit, a couple days a week I extract
the plates and glasses, collect the mold and harvest penicillin...ha
ha
Lastly, don't be so hard on yourself! You are doing the best you can, spend
time with people who can help lift your spirits and laugh. Laughing about
situations is the best medicine for you!!
Best of luck to you,
Renee
One more thing you can join the support group on this website, there are a
lot of parents in your same situation and they can advice or just listen
and understand!
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